It has been just over two months of blogging silence from my small corner of the pacific. Sarah, my dear mother for those who don't use first names :), told me a few weeks ago that I needed to get on it. These instructions, however, came with the stipulation that I needed to be writing only the positives. Now, as much as she would love to see how those new throw pillows she sent me go with my orange couch, I know she was saying this for my sake. I think she was hoping I would write down even the smallest positives to share with everyone back home, and that in the process I would help myself.
Well, I have been underway a lot and I have not been able to bring myself to write anything positive the little time I have been in port, so the silence has gone on. Today, I am in the neatest city ever and have just spent two days taking care of me. It is time for the silence to end. Sorry Mom, I can't just be positive, but I can be honest about these last two months.
Yes, there are parts of the job I like and people that I enjoy working with, and in a few cases, even admire. However, there is a lot that I do not like.... a lot that makes me sad. I have never had such a hard time with something with possibly the exception of not being accepted to medical school. To say I struggled with that fact would be a downplay of the overwhelming emotions that major change in my future caused. I thought by picking a new goal, a new place to live, and essentially a new future I would figure out what I was supposed to do and how to be happy along the way. I was wrong. Life just doesn't seem to be that simple.
I am now a million miles from everything and everyone that I know and love. I have a job that involves dirt and grime and men's clothing. I am out of my comfort zone in every aspect. I don't often feel effective or prepared for the challenges that lie ahead. Some of these details may seem petty, but they are me. I like being a girl and I like to feel like I am making a difference no matter how small that difference may be. Here I have such I hard time finding that, and I am have been having a hard time finding a way to be happy with who I am and what I am doing.
I have a job, and I should be thankful for that. I am part of an organization that serves an important role, but I don't see my spot in it. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. This is the most overwhelming thought to me, and some days I have no idea how to sort through any of this.
Now, I am not the most eloquent of writers....but the closest thing I have seen to a lot of what I feel was something written by my sister Katy. Apparently, growing up can be tough for other people too. This blog made me tear up when I read it about a month ago because I love her and miss her and want her to enjoy this adventure. If I was there, I would have told her how much I love her and am proud of her for all that she has accomplished. I would have told her that I feel sad too and that she is never alone. I love all my sisters and my parents more than I could ever say and am so blessed to have them. I look up to them more than they know. Kelly is a mom and a wife and a teacher and such a role model to the rest of us. Amy has a bigger heart than the rest of us combined and shares it with everyone in her life. Sally is the brightest and has more potential than she will ever realize.
I know my family loves me. I know my friends who I miss more than is describable will still love me when I return. I just haven't quite figured out what happens between now and then.
In the temporary future, I have great guys that I work with to learn from daily. I have a chance to see a different part of the world. I have a unique opportunity ahead of me. I may have even found someone to confide in. I do have positives. It is just a work in progress.
Ron told me that last time we talked that they think of me and wish me the best, so really I am never alone. I sure hope he is right.
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