high maintenance.

Now that I am back to the dirt and germs and wearing men's clothing, I feel fully justified in my two day Sydney agenda:

• manicure
• pedicure
• haircut

my mother would be so proud...

smile.

Back to underway... with a new job and with it new challenges. The learning seems to never end, but I guess that's what keeps me going. I am beginning to find my role on board and start to feel a little more productive. This isn't forever, but for now it will do. I know that I still have a lot to do & see and some dreams to figure out along the way... and for that I will smile.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

Live the life you have imagined.”

- Henry David Thoreau

....a little inspiration from a Sydney bar wall

truth.

It has been just over two months of blogging silence from my small corner of the pacific. Sarah, my dear mother for those who don't use first names :), told me a few weeks ago that I needed to get on it. These instructions, however, came with the stipulation that I needed to be writing only the positives. Now, as much as she would love to see how those new throw pillows she sent me go with my orange couch, I know she was saying this for my sake. I think she was hoping I would write down even the smallest positives to share with everyone back home, and that in the process I would help myself.

Well, I have been underway a lot and I have not been able to bring myself to write anything positive the little time I have been in port, so the silence has gone on. Today, I am in the neatest city ever and have just spent two days taking care of me. It is time for the silence to end. Sorry Mom, I can't just be positive, but I can be honest about these last two months.

Yes, there are parts of the job I like and people that I enjoy working with, and in a few cases, even admire. However, there is a lot that I do not like.... a lot that makes me sad. I have never had such a hard time with something with possibly the exception of not being accepted to medical school. To say I struggled with that fact would be a downplay of the overwhelming emotions that major change in my future caused. I thought by picking a new goal, a new place to live, and essentially a new future I would figure out what I was supposed to do and how to be happy along the way. I was wrong. Life just doesn't seem to be that simple.

I am now a million miles from everything and everyone that I know and love. I have a job that involves dirt and grime and men's clothing. I am out of my comfort zone in every aspect. I don't often feel effective or prepared for the challenges that lie ahead. Some of these details may seem petty, but they are me. I like being a girl and I like to feel like I am making a difference no matter how small that difference may be. Here I have such I hard time finding that, and I am have been having a hard time finding a way to be happy with who I am and what I am doing.

I have a job, and I should be thankful for that. I am part of an organization that serves an important role, but I don't see my spot in it. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. This is the most overwhelming thought to me, and some days I have no idea how to sort through any of this. 

Now, I am not the most eloquent of writers....but the closest thing I have seen to a lot of what I feel was something written by my sister Katy. Apparently, growing up can be tough for other people too. This blog made me tear up when I read it about a month ago because I love her and miss her and want her to enjoy this adventure. If I was there, I would have told her how much I love her and am proud of her for all that she has accomplished. I would have told her that I feel sad too and that she is never alone. I love all my sisters and my parents more than I could ever say and am so blessed to have them. I look up to them more than they know. Kelly is a mom and a wife and a teacher and such a role model to the rest of us. Amy has a bigger heart than the rest of us combined and shares it with everyone in her life. Sally is the brightest and has more potential than she will ever realize.

I know my family loves me. I know my friends who I miss more than is describable will still love me when I return. I just haven't quite figured out what happens between now and then.

In the temporary future, I have great guys that I work with to learn from daily. I have a chance to see a different part of the world. I have a unique opportunity ahead of me. I may have even found someone to confide in. I do have positives. It is just a work in progress.

Ron told me that last time we talked that they think of me and wish me the best, so really I am never alone. I sure hope he is right.

So sorry Sarah, you don't get only positive. For now, you just get the truth.